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Banyak banget yang gw rasain sekarang.
Dari sebel sama denise karena dia ga mikirin workersnya dengan beres, yah, tentunya gw mikirin diri gw sendiri lah
Dari anxious how to tell her i’m gonna out

Dari kemaren pengalaman dinner ama melwin and seine mutter di dapur bali, yang bikin gw mikir, gila.. gw kenapa ya.. ato mungkin.. lebih ke arah, kok kayanya tina negatif attitude ke gw. Tapi engga juga sih. Ada beberapa hal yang bikin gw begitu, ada juga beberapa hal yang bikin gw bilang, well, it’s understandable she behaved that way. Misalnya, bahasa inggrisnya kurang lancar, jadi miscommunication. Or emang gw yang nervous, walo gw ga begitu ngerasain juga. Thank god, melwin orangnya easy going banget. Or emang gw aja yang neting. Tapi kok gw jadi suka mikir kok seringnya gw yang neting. Jadi sebenernya gw yang neting or orang laen yang bikin gw neting?

Jadi inget kata2 aya. Walo kita dah berubah, tapi sikap orang laen ga berubah. Walo kita udah usaha be nice tapi orang laen masih ga accept kita, yah, gimana kita mau grow? Yah down lagi lah. Feel worthless. Is that the main topic here?
Gw mungkin sekarang lagi masa down. Lagi bagian depressive episodes.
Trus.. sebenernya ini (lagi-lagi) tentang my own view of my physical appearance sih. Sometimes I feel like I’ve fully accepted it. But still there are times, kayanya gw ngerasa, ih gw ga cantik. Well.. gimana ya ngomongnya. Kaya tadi aja gw ngobrol ama temen chat, si gokhan, gw kasih tunjuk poto gw ama temen2. dia minta dikenalin ke santi. Terus terang, emang gw jealous ama santi. Cantik, easy going, pinter, tajir. Siapa yang ga mau kaya dia coba. Well.. I have my other opinion about her, like her vision about material things. But still, she’s a great person overall. In and outside. Ini nih, fenomena orang yang minder karena physical appearance, karena no matter how hard I try, I end up losing. Is it about losing? Yes, losing people’s attention. Is it now about attention? Not that kind of public attention. Mere acceptance. And what kind of acceptance here? Acceptance from people you just got to know.

I try quite well with Daud. David, the Kebab guy. He’s a nice person. And I can talk to him freely. I like myself when I talk to him. He sees me like he sees anyone else. Or Melwin. He’s nice to me, again, he sees me like he does anyone else. Or my friends at work. I like them. They accept me cuz I know I treat them well. I treat them as friends, cuz I think of them as friends. That’s what I want. I treat people as I want to be treated. So whats wrong if I try but some just don’t accept me? Is it me? Or is it them? Or is it their attitudes towards me, or people like me?
And why does this bother me so much?
Because I know, this matters to me. I can’t ignore it. Or compensate my thoughts by studying. Because I end up feeling down and demotivated.

Dulu, pelarian gw ke Tuhan. Tapi sekarang view gw tentang Tuhan aja udah beda banget.
Communication. That’s my probs. I believe we need god, cuz we think he accepts us for who we are, unconditionally. And god serves as a friend, when you need one, and you can’t seem to find any, who will understand you. That’s what you think. That’s what I think. I confess that I fear what my friends will see me, the whole me. Not a good idea. I know.

Girls, just wanna tell you. I need a friend. A friend who will understand me. Sounds selfish I know. I try to understand people. And sometimes they understand me. We accept each other. But there are some that don’t. and it breaks my heart. Because I’m still learning to live. To deal with my own feelings towards myself. Deal with my attitudes toward other people. I know you understand me. And I become free when I’m with you all. That’s why I wanna be with you. You give me strength now I know I do have. But I can’t always rely on you. I have to stand up for myself. I will still try, though I know I should be aware that I might lose again.