sepertinya gw akhir2 sering banget menggunakan 'duh...'sebagai pembuka ato penutup kalimat.
kenapa yah?
apa akhir2 ini semua kejadian bikin gw teraduh-aduh?
kurang lebih...sepertinya..............iyahh..
sepertinya gw perlu persepsi hidup yang lebih positif.
walaupun susah juga untuk melihat hidup dengan kacamata berwarna mawar ketika lagi kere dan (kerena) jobless.
huaahh.. setelah lulus....kesinisan gw kagak sembuh2 juga...apa gw musti masuk psiko lagi biar sembuh yah??
sekian keluhan saya mengenai hidup...atas perhatiannya saya ucapkan terima kasih.
day, gw tau sepertinya cuman elu yang masih rajin buka-buka arisan-qta...sepertinya email borongan sudah menggantikan blog yang memang kurang penggemar..hehehe
gw juga semalem mimpiin Adel..gw merasa bersalah nih karena belum jenguk2 lagi.
moga2 sih dy dah ceria seperti dulu lagi...amin
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
to Adhel
Adhel, gw lagi mikirin loe nih. Cepet sembuh, cepet baek ya.. Temen2 dah ga sabar buat liat loe lagi, ntar kumpul bareng lagi. kita bisa ngobrol, becanda, ngakak bareng. So, kita semua nunggu loe nih. Ga sabar pengen liat loe =)
Sunday, June 03, 2007
what a culture
Yesterday, Mikha, Ryan, and i went to watch Nina's Heavenly Delight at Powerhouse in occasion of Queer Film Festival. I was fascinated by the building as it was left unrenovated. I could see broken and unrepainted wall, with some modern touch here and there. It was so beautiful from the fact that it combined both wreckages and beautiful colours.
What fascinated me more was the audience. Before we went inside the studio, I realised that almost all (if not all) audience was female. I reckoned some of them were lesbians, from my subjective thoughts collected out of their appearance. Some with their partners. Some with their friends. Some looked girly or lady-like. Some looked masculine in-style. I spotted one student from a class at uni I go to this semester. For all this time, I wondered whether she was homosexual. But recognising her existence in this event did not prove any of my presumption.
So I went inside with a wave of ladies and what happened when I went outside after the movie? I found it really captivating when I walked out and saw these crowds of men. Yes, the movie after the one I watched was about gay, titled Boy Culture. Never, in my entire life, that I felt so strange yet relief that I found it quite... normal, despite what culture says about homosexuality. I've never thought it was an abnormality, and probably my feelings when I was exposed to the homosexual culture (not as much as I want to speak out that it is a culture, as there are still some that I believe are predisposition factors, not nurture or mature decision) upheld my cognition, hence, I felt relief.
It occured to me that I had had feelings for two guys, and apparently they were gay. And the fact when I realise I have fondness of beautiful men and handsome women makes me wonder. Am I, also, affected by the coming-out humanity group? I believe so. It struck me when I got to the point that, yes, they are like us. Not just like us. They are us. And we are them.
What fascinated me more was the audience. Before we went inside the studio, I realised that almost all (if not all) audience was female. I reckoned some of them were lesbians, from my subjective thoughts collected out of their appearance. Some with their partners. Some with their friends. Some looked girly or lady-like. Some looked masculine in-style. I spotted one student from a class at uni I go to this semester. For all this time, I wondered whether she was homosexual. But recognising her existence in this event did not prove any of my presumption.
So I went inside with a wave of ladies and what happened when I went outside after the movie? I found it really captivating when I walked out and saw these crowds of men. Yes, the movie after the one I watched was about gay, titled Boy Culture. Never, in my entire life, that I felt so strange yet relief that I found it quite... normal, despite what culture says about homosexuality. I've never thought it was an abnormality, and probably my feelings when I was exposed to the homosexual culture (not as much as I want to speak out that it is a culture, as there are still some that I believe are predisposition factors, not nurture or mature decision) upheld my cognition, hence, I felt relief.
It occured to me that I had had feelings for two guys, and apparently they were gay. And the fact when I realise I have fondness of beautiful men and handsome women makes me wonder. Am I, also, affected by the coming-out humanity group? I believe so. It struck me when I got to the point that, yes, they are like us. Not just like us. They are us. And we are them.
Friday, April 27, 2007
vulnerable
like a wrecked boat on the stormy sea
like walking on a fine string above sharp shattered glasses
like holding on to broken wings
cannot seem to fly or even walk..
like walking on a fine string above sharp shattered glasses
like holding on to broken wings
cannot seem to fly or even walk..
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
kangen gw ama ryan..
Semalem gw ngimpi. Tentang Ryan, guru bahasa Jerman gw taon lalu di kampus. I fell for him at that time. Probably the feeling is still there, walo ga besar. Dan dari persepsi gw tentang how he dressed up, how he talked, how he treated people, and how he smiled (damned it, why should I derive this so-called conclusion from this very general factor?), I assumed he was homosexual. And emang kata temen gw mungkin dia homo, mungkin juga engga.
Dan semalem.. iya.. gw mimpi tentang dia. Aga2 ajaib juga tentang gimana gw bisa ketemu dia. Settingnya itu di kamar Pandu sebelom rumah direnovasi. Di kamar itu ada cowo bule, yang ternyata adalah kakaknya Ryan. Anehnya kata tu cowo, Ryan ada di dalem kotak di hadapannya dia. Dan pas gw ngelongok ke dalem, emang ada si Ryan.
Intinya dari mimpi gw, gw jalan2 ama Ryan. And I confessed to him that I liked him. He smiled. Dan di situ gw menyadari kalo dia sebenernya ga gay. Bahkan kita sempet made out. For several times. And it was so very hot. Hahahaha.. (sekarang gw ngebayangin mimpi gw itu lagi sambil gigit bibir bawah gw. Awww… horny bo. Hahahaha…). Yah yang namanya mimpi, ya cuma mimpi. Ga ada tuh gw confess ke Ryan. Ga ada juga tuh kalo ternyata Ryan juga suka gw. Secara gw masih bingung dia hetero, homo, ato bi. Huahaha…
Jadi teringat cerita Icca temen gw yang sekantor ama Ryan di sekolahan. Kata Ryan gw rajin en smart. Oh Ryan. Kamu ganteng… hahaha..
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
poster binyo
akhirnya neh poster bisa gw upload jg. hu3. senangnya. gw ngucapin makasih banyak buat semua orang yang terlibat dalam pembuatan poster ini. makasih lit, li, ne, del, i n dayu yang nan jauh di ausie sana. he3. lo ke indo malah di repotin ama gw yah day... buat semuanya... makasiiiiiiihhhhh yaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Sunday, February 11, 2007
akhirnya...
alhamdulillah....
akhirnya gw bisa mandi.. baru aja air di rumah gw idup lagi....
senang... aku mo mandi yang banyak....
akhirnya gw bisa mandi.. baru aja air di rumah gw idup lagi....
senang... aku mo mandi yang banyak....
jakarta oh jakarta... banjir oh banjir....
gila hujan kali ini emang hebat yah. bikin semua orang susah. bukan hanya yang emang akhirnya kebanjiran sehingga ga bisa kemana2. tapi yang ga kena kebanjiran juga mendapatkan jatah penderitaan sendiri. selain terkepung banjir dimana2 sehingga membuat susah untuk berpergian, tapi kita juga kebagian mati listri atau mati air (PAM).
untuk gw sendiri seh, gw kebagian mati air. dari hari jumat hingga hari ini gw belom bisa mandi dengan benar. kalo mo mandi sepuas2nya gw harus pindah ke pondok kelapa. hiks3. air yang gw dapat selama sembilan hari ini juga di kasih ama tetangga gw. jadi tiap hari yah nungguin air, terus ngangkut2 ember ke bak mandi. huhuhuuuhu.. sempet juga nampung air ujan. tapi karena sekarang udah ga ujan, yah mo gimana. kalo gw denger dari mucil, itu kerjaannya dari awal mati air, yaitu nampungin air ujan. katanya seh mandi air ujan tuh dngin banget. gw belom nyoba seh. yah secara emang cuaca lagi dingin banget gn.
secara umum seh gw liat, banjir taon ini lebih heboh dari yang taon 2002. kalo ngeliat di lapangan yah. yang kemaren 2002 ga kena banjir, sekarang kena banjir. yah katanya seh 75% jakarta kena banjir, dari mulai kategori tergenang hingga tenggelam dlm arti yang sebenerna. katanya kan ini banjir besar yang 5 tahun sekali, 2012 bakalan lebih parah lagi ga yah. mungkin kalo ga segera di atasi, yah kira2 beberapa puluh tahun lagi jakarta tenggelam total lah...
ps: kenapa ui ga libur yah? kenapa sekolah2 yang gw tempati dari dulu ga pernah libur kalo banjir. hiks3
untuk gw sendiri seh, gw kebagian mati air. dari hari jumat hingga hari ini gw belom bisa mandi dengan benar. kalo mo mandi sepuas2nya gw harus pindah ke pondok kelapa. hiks3. air yang gw dapat selama sembilan hari ini juga di kasih ama tetangga gw. jadi tiap hari yah nungguin air, terus ngangkut2 ember ke bak mandi. huhuhuuuhu.. sempet juga nampung air ujan. tapi karena sekarang udah ga ujan, yah mo gimana. kalo gw denger dari mucil, itu kerjaannya dari awal mati air, yaitu nampungin air ujan. katanya seh mandi air ujan tuh dngin banget. gw belom nyoba seh. yah secara emang cuaca lagi dingin banget gn.
secara umum seh gw liat, banjir taon ini lebih heboh dari yang taon 2002. kalo ngeliat di lapangan yah. yang kemaren 2002 ga kena banjir, sekarang kena banjir. yah katanya seh 75% jakarta kena banjir, dari mulai kategori tergenang hingga tenggelam dlm arti yang sebenerna. katanya kan ini banjir besar yang 5 tahun sekali, 2012 bakalan lebih parah lagi ga yah. mungkin kalo ga segera di atasi, yah kira2 beberapa puluh tahun lagi jakarta tenggelam total lah...
ps: kenapa ui ga libur yah? kenapa sekolah2 yang gw tempati dari dulu ga pernah libur kalo banjir. hiks3
Thursday, February 01, 2007
curcol di pagi hari
Banyak banget yang gw rasain sekarang.
Dari sebel sama denise karena dia ga mikirin workersnya dengan beres, yah, tentunya gw mikirin diri gw sendiri lah
Dari anxious how to tell her i’m gonna out
Dari kemaren pengalaman dinner ama melwin and seine mutter di dapur bali, yang bikin gw mikir, gila.. gw kenapa ya.. ato mungkin.. lebih ke arah, kok kayanya tina negatif attitude ke gw. Tapi engga juga sih. Ada beberapa hal yang bikin gw begitu, ada juga beberapa hal yang bikin gw bilang, well, it’s understandable she behaved that way. Misalnya, bahasa inggrisnya kurang lancar, jadi miscommunication. Or emang gw yang nervous, walo gw ga begitu ngerasain juga. Thank god, melwin orangnya easy going banget. Or emang gw aja yang neting. Tapi kok gw jadi suka mikir kok seringnya gw yang neting. Jadi sebenernya gw yang neting or orang laen yang bikin gw neting?
Jadi inget kata2 aya. Walo kita dah berubah, tapi sikap orang laen ga berubah. Walo kita udah usaha be nice tapi orang laen masih ga accept kita, yah, gimana kita mau grow? Yah down lagi lah. Feel worthless. Is that the main topic here?
Gw mungkin sekarang lagi masa down. Lagi bagian depressive episodes.
Trus.. sebenernya ini (lagi-lagi) tentang my own view of my physical appearance sih. Sometimes I feel like I’ve fully accepted it. But still there are times, kayanya gw ngerasa, ih gw ga cantik. Well.. gimana ya ngomongnya. Kaya tadi aja gw ngobrol ama temen chat, si gokhan, gw kasih tunjuk poto gw ama temen2. dia minta dikenalin ke santi. Terus terang, emang gw jealous ama santi. Cantik, easy going, pinter, tajir. Siapa yang ga mau kaya dia coba. Well.. I have my other opinion about her, like her vision about material things. But still, she’s a great person overall. In and outside. Ini nih, fenomena orang yang minder karena physical appearance, karena no matter how hard I try, I end up losing. Is it about losing? Yes, losing people’s attention. Is it now about attention? Not that kind of public attention. Mere acceptance. And what kind of acceptance here? Acceptance from people you just got to know.
I try quite well with Daud. David, the Kebab guy. He’s a nice person. And I can talk to him freely. I like myself when I talk to him. He sees me like he sees anyone else. Or Melwin. He’s nice to me, again, he sees me like he does anyone else. Or my friends at work. I like them. They accept me cuz I know I treat them well. I treat them as friends, cuz I think of them as friends. That’s what I want. I treat people as I want to be treated. So whats wrong if I try but some just don’t accept me? Is it me? Or is it them? Or is it their attitudes towards me, or people like me?
And why does this bother me so much?
Because I know, this matters to me. I can’t ignore it. Or compensate my thoughts by studying. Because I end up feeling down and demotivated.
Dulu, pelarian gw ke Tuhan. Tapi sekarang view gw tentang Tuhan aja udah beda banget.
Communication. That’s my probs. I believe we need god, cuz we think he accepts us for who we are, unconditionally. And god serves as a friend, when you need one, and you can’t seem to find any, who will understand you. That’s what you think. That’s what I think. I confess that I fear what my friends will see me, the whole me. Not a good idea. I know.
Girls, just wanna tell you. I need a friend. A friend who will understand me. Sounds selfish I know. I try to understand people. And sometimes they understand me. We accept each other. But there are some that don’t. and it breaks my heart. Because I’m still learning to live. To deal with my own feelings towards myself. Deal with my attitudes toward other people. I know you understand me. And I become free when I’m with you all. That’s why I wanna be with you. You give me strength now I know I do have. But I can’t always rely on you. I have to stand up for myself. I will still try, though I know I should be aware that I might lose again.
Dari sebel sama denise karena dia ga mikirin workersnya dengan beres, yah, tentunya gw mikirin diri gw sendiri lah
Dari anxious how to tell her i’m gonna out
Dari kemaren pengalaman dinner ama melwin and seine mutter di dapur bali, yang bikin gw mikir, gila.. gw kenapa ya.. ato mungkin.. lebih ke arah, kok kayanya tina negatif attitude ke gw. Tapi engga juga sih. Ada beberapa hal yang bikin gw begitu, ada juga beberapa hal yang bikin gw bilang, well, it’s understandable she behaved that way. Misalnya, bahasa inggrisnya kurang lancar, jadi miscommunication. Or emang gw yang nervous, walo gw ga begitu ngerasain juga. Thank god, melwin orangnya easy going banget. Or emang gw aja yang neting. Tapi kok gw jadi suka mikir kok seringnya gw yang neting. Jadi sebenernya gw yang neting or orang laen yang bikin gw neting?
Jadi inget kata2 aya. Walo kita dah berubah, tapi sikap orang laen ga berubah. Walo kita udah usaha be nice tapi orang laen masih ga accept kita, yah, gimana kita mau grow? Yah down lagi lah. Feel worthless. Is that the main topic here?
Gw mungkin sekarang lagi masa down. Lagi bagian depressive episodes.
Trus.. sebenernya ini (lagi-lagi) tentang my own view of my physical appearance sih. Sometimes I feel like I’ve fully accepted it. But still there are times, kayanya gw ngerasa, ih gw ga cantik. Well.. gimana ya ngomongnya. Kaya tadi aja gw ngobrol ama temen chat, si gokhan, gw kasih tunjuk poto gw ama temen2. dia minta dikenalin ke santi. Terus terang, emang gw jealous ama santi. Cantik, easy going, pinter, tajir. Siapa yang ga mau kaya dia coba. Well.. I have my other opinion about her, like her vision about material things. But still, she’s a great person overall. In and outside. Ini nih, fenomena orang yang minder karena physical appearance, karena no matter how hard I try, I end up losing. Is it about losing? Yes, losing people’s attention. Is it now about attention? Not that kind of public attention. Mere acceptance. And what kind of acceptance here? Acceptance from people you just got to know.
I try quite well with Daud. David, the Kebab guy. He’s a nice person. And I can talk to him freely. I like myself when I talk to him. He sees me like he sees anyone else. Or Melwin. He’s nice to me, again, he sees me like he does anyone else. Or my friends at work. I like them. They accept me cuz I know I treat them well. I treat them as friends, cuz I think of them as friends. That’s what I want. I treat people as I want to be treated. So whats wrong if I try but some just don’t accept me? Is it me? Or is it them? Or is it their attitudes towards me, or people like me?
And why does this bother me so much?
Because I know, this matters to me. I can’t ignore it. Or compensate my thoughts by studying. Because I end up feeling down and demotivated.
Dulu, pelarian gw ke Tuhan. Tapi sekarang view gw tentang Tuhan aja udah beda banget.
Communication. That’s my probs. I believe we need god, cuz we think he accepts us for who we are, unconditionally. And god serves as a friend, when you need one, and you can’t seem to find any, who will understand you. That’s what you think. That’s what I think. I confess that I fear what my friends will see me, the whole me. Not a good idea. I know.
Girls, just wanna tell you. I need a friend. A friend who will understand me. Sounds selfish I know. I try to understand people. And sometimes they understand me. We accept each other. But there are some that don’t. and it breaks my heart. Because I’m still learning to live. To deal with my own feelings towards myself. Deal with my attitudes toward other people. I know you understand me. And I become free when I’m with you all. That’s why I wanna be with you. You give me strength now I know I do have. But I can’t always rely on you. I have to stand up for myself. I will still try, though I know I should be aware that I might lose again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
